“Death is the Night Between Two Days”

…Rabbi Maurice Lamm

It has been a very long and very difficult 5 months since we celebrated my father’s 90th Birthday Party …you’ve read some of what has been going on in the previous post, and this post is just my personal way of saying “goodbye” and letting everyone know just a little more about this totally unique human being who is no longer with us physically but who will never leave us in spirit. He is resting in peace and will always be with us – My father- Davey (David) Scheiman, z”l (from the Hebrew “zichrono livracha” – “Of Blessed Memory”).

I don’t really know how to begin writing here, but I want to first say a few words about what defined him as a person, and then just share a few last memories of him from the past few months…

He was a man of very few words for sure, but there was never any doubt about how he felt in any situation. You just had to take one look at his face…and it was almost always, 99% of the time, smiling. (As in the picture above…taken 5 weeks before he passed and when he was already suffering terribly and spending all but ½ hour a day confined to bed, too weak to do anything and relying totally on others for all his needs). And the 1% of the time when something upset, angered, disturbed him, you just had to catch one glimpse of his face before running for cover!! There were also many glimpses of pain, despair, frustration, confusion and fear the last couple of months, but these were faces we had never seen before, which made them all the more disconcerting and frightening to us, as well as causing us deep sorrow and feelings of helplessness.

He was a man who despite very rarely saying anything about love, was the most loving person I have ever known. He loved life, he loved people (especially women), knowledge, (hence his great love for the computer and the world of unlimited information it offered him his last 6 years of life), loved fun, joking, fooling around games, challenges…and loved everything that came his way…good or bad…to the fullest. He never grew up…he was never childish (well sometimes) but always in touch with the child within…which made him especially great with kids who could never resist him. We owe him a special thank you for teaching us just how precious life is…And he was of course loved back by everyone who ever came in contact with him, even for a brief moment. No one would ever leave his presence without a smile on their face!

He loved each moment, clung to each moment, showing us all the importance of each moment…no matter how much pain and difficulty we may be going through, nothing is as precious as life. To be able to give just one more smile to a person and brighten his day-to say one more thing to bring a smile to another’s face…to give one more loving touch to someone. He lived each day with a passion-did each thing with passion and youthful enthusiasm-always seeking new challenges and new ideas. This kept him youthful in mind and spirit to the very last moment, despite the complete physical deterioration of his body.

And of course, the final essence of who he was, what defined him, was his being part of Judy/Davey…and teaching us all the meaning of true, undying love.

Just a few last memories:

• At his surprise 90th birthday party (see post “90 and still going strong”) he gave a moving speech, despite already being very frail and pain, about the blessing of each day he was given, and his love for my Mother….
• I had an old (65 years old to be precise) wedding film transferred to DVD and just before going into nursing care I showed it to him on his computer…the look of pure love, joy and sincere amazement at the wonder of the whole thing, as well as the tears in his eyes and his loving looks at my Mother sitting next to him, brought me to tears.
• The picture at the top of this post was taken on the last day he came down off the nursing floor…he asked for hot chocolate (as I said, the eternal little boy at heart) and so we went downstairs, got him a cup from the vending machine and went to sit outside for awhile. As we went through the lobby, he didn’t stop flirting with the women for a minute…and I don’t know who enjoyed it more…them or him (remember, they live in an assisted living place, 80 women, 5 men…and he was cute and loved to flirt until the end!)
• A few days later I challenged him to a game of checkers during his ½ hour sitting up time one day. As I have never once beaten him in all my 55 years of playing with him (he never let us win even as children), he easily agreed as he is not fond of loosing…to my GREAT surprise, and his great chagrin, I BEAT him! He suddenly began having trouble breathing, got chest pains, and had me scrambling for the nurse who gave him oxygen, something under his tongue, and got him back into bed. At which point he remarked “That was the only way of keeping you from beating me in a second game!!!”
• Just 10 days before he passed, and actually the last time he was out of bed, he had gotten up as there was a party to celebrate Succot (Jewish Holiday…ask for details if you would like them)…he was not in a very good mood, and for good reason due to exhaustion and pain, but when I asked if he wanted to go into the party he said very irreverently and in his usual joking style “Why would I want to go to the party…Will there be a strip tease?”….Said I didn’t know but would go ask…walked over to the lady in charge of the party and asked her and she of course laughed and said “I hadn’t considered it but will think about it”….and then came over to him….did a little private dance for him and he, in his wheelchair, barely able to move, danced with his shoulders and a twinkle in his eye, enjoying every moment…

And then our very last memories of him:

• A few days before he died I was giving him a back rub when he turned to me for a second and very uncharacteristically said “I love you”….
• And also a couple of days before his passing, when my mother came to sit with him, he looked at her and said “You look very nice today”….
• And then of course, at the moment he left us, we were both sitting with him, he was in a sort of coma, but when we arrived, I had my mother hold his hand and I stroked his head and cheeks, and he opened his eyes for a moment, moved his lips as if to say something, I assured him we were both there with him, he squeezed my mother’s hand, and that was it.
  We were blessed to be with him at that moment, and he knew he was not alone when he left…or perhaps he had just waited for us to arrive to say his final goodbye.
  

He IS resting in peace…

Love is Undying

"Love is undying; of that I feel certain. I mean deep, abiding cherishing love. The love that gives protection even as you, my guardian angel, gave me protection [all those many years] - and continue to give this very day...A Love beyond Death-a love that makes Lfe alive!"

From Ruskin Bond's book "Scenes from a Writer's Life-a Memoir"...this was taken from the last page of the book from a letter he had written to his father many years after he had past away when he, the writer was only 10 years old...I have taken the liberty of editing one small section...

Letters Written by My Father

Below are a few letters which I have saved...a few were written when I went off to India the first time in 2001 and when my parents both first learnt to use the computer, a couple from my second trip in 2003, and finally, a scanned document of a hand written letter my father sent to me during one of his visits in the States! You will have to click on the letter to read it...once you click on it, you will be taken to another page (Flickr) ...right above the picture you will see a little grey button than says "all sizes"...click on that and you will be rewarded with the letter in large enough writing to read it! enjoy! It is from 1993!!

Sept 23., 2003
My Dearest Janie, We followed with interest your travels in India and enjoyed the many stories and relationships with the many people you encounter.We were especially pleased to hear you managed to be with Chabad for the holidays. It seems to me that in your search for your"inner self " amid the culture of India it seems that you have missed the obvious -that with your educational background in religious studies - further studies will bring you the same feeling of finding yourself. The trick is to find the right path. The visit with Benyomin and his darling son was quite uplifting. His sudden departure because of the illness of Shneur was somewhat upsetting to us .Before he left he donated for the next Shabbat Farbrengen at the Chabad shul in our neighborhood in honor of his son's complete recovery- and sure enough the following week we heard that the brain surgery procedure was successful. He is still having trouble with his balance and his eyesight but the prognosis is good and with therapy he will be his old self again soon. His speech was not affected at all and his faith and confidence in a complete recovery is admirable, but what else can we expect from a Chabadnick? We are all praying with him. He is going home on Thursday, thank God. As usual your children brighten our days with visits and phone calls.Last week we celebrated our first anniversary here in Maonot Maccabbi and Mother , Aviva and I went to see the ballet Sleeping Beauty to celebrate. My condition is satisfactory, some days I am riding high, other days completely fatigued or suffering from arthritic pains all over the body. Thank God for the high flying days! Despite this we are content and happy in our new surroundings. It seems everyday is a holiday. We have made quite a few new acquaintances and enjoy being with the residents. My job as chief librarian is rewarding and joyful. I think talking to you on paper is easy and I could ramble on and on,but since your mother will have to transcribe this, I will stop. Again a very happy new year. Love Daddy

Aug 18, 2003
Dear Janie, Mother and I are enjoying your journals and observations. At home here the days and the weeks are just rolling by. I guess as we get older our sense of time changes. I seem to be busy all the time . Aside from ping pong twice a week and exercises twice a week and lectures and concerts, etc., I fill the remainder of the time keeping the library updated and do considerable reading. In between all that the computer keeps me very occupied.It is amazing what I find on there when I look for news.Yesterday I accidentally put it on the Indian newspaper , I think it is called the "Statesman" all about Indolence Day, prominent personalities disasters, politics, sports, etc. A few days before I was reading English newspapers ,one called "The Guardian",giving their views of Israel. Not very complementary. Mentally I am doing well for a young man, exercising my mind with all types of puzzles and games. Every Shabbat Mother and I play Rummykub , 6 or 7 games. After a lifetime of competition Mother has a slight edge. It is lots of fun. We are in close contact at all times with your children and grandchildren and enjoying every minute. I think I can go rambling on for a long time, but I will close now with all my love. Daddy


Sept 21 2001
Dearest jane : last week I wrote a long letter but the computer operatorerred and it disappeared in transmission.Our visit to the Avnis was trulywonderful. Shira is a wonderful hostess and schmulick was equally caring andthoughtful.Your grandchildren were a joy. Shachar like her aunt elisheva isvery artistic and bright like her grandmother. Amit is very social and hasquite an entourage of companions. Ori is a delight to his parents.He hangonto amit like glue and wants to be one of the boys when his friends come.Amit is a skilled computer operator,when it comes to playing games.. on the second of the holiday , Iwas forced to returnhome as my entire body was envelope by intense painand allmy energyevaporated. Iwas competently exhausted, Like night and day ,today I feelnormal, when mother wasn't looking cleaned out the pool. Motherisbeginning tofeel at home on the machine,to the extent that shenowexperimenting with the menu bar. We are pleased that you are now a seasonedtraveler and enjoying new ev\experiences.i'm wearimg down so good bye ,loveand enjoythe hoidays. Daddy

Sept 4 2001
To my darling jane. It's been so exciting to receive your e-mail day andnight. Right now we are reveling over the presence of benyomin. Usually I'mquiet in company, but the fact that benyomin is here has made meloquacious,chattering on and on about Any thing that comes to mind, usuallyirrelevant to the subject on hand, but then I'm so happy to see him.You're a chip off th old block with your aches and pain and my empathy isever present as I'm daily battling similar aches and pains.I find difficultyin walking , tire easily and quite forgetful. My cane is a source ofamusement as I leave it someplace daily.edna has been a dear friend andgenuinely concerned about us .Sid Pinkas is also very nice .Despite his busyschedule ,he found time to come and resusicate the computor.typical Israeli

Life's Detours, Their Blessings and Lessons

October 14, 2006 (2 days before my Father's Passing)

This Post also originally appeared on my Mindfulness Journal but I am including it here, with some editing, as it is part of the story...and certainly proves how important it is to follow our heart when making decisions...if we are connected with, and attuned to our soul, we can never go wrong!

My life has taken a detour, again (what we perceive as a detour in our journey, is only OUR understanding of the turn of events. Truth is, things are unfolding exactly as they should and all things occur as they are meant to at the moment in the Universal plan of things)…and has, at the same time, given me the opportunity for further growth through new lessons learnt. When one is forced to take a detour on a planned journey, it does not mean that he cannot enjoy the scenery on the new route. Perhaps pleasant scenery is not part of this detour for me, but certainly blessings to be found and lessons to be learnt are.

I am, at the moment, NOT in India as planned. As things worked out, two days before my scheduled flight, I cancelled my plans.

I had every intention of going to India to revive my spirit, recharge my batteries so to speak and gather new and fresh energies to help me continue caring for my ailing father, and give support to my Mother at this most difficult of times in her life.

However, the situation being what it is, I simply could not have achieved any of these goals in India due to the deterioration in my father’s health and the need to be here at this time. I would have been unable to release to the magical powers of the Mountains and it would have been a simple waste of time and money.

It is my privilege to be here now and help in any way I can to make my father’s passing as easy as possible and provide support to my Mother at the same time. I will not go into detail (for reasons I will write about shortly), beyond saying that my father has not been granted an easy and dignified end to his life. It is truly amazing to witness the power of fear, concern, worry and guilt, and how they can keep a soul, already cleansed and ready to depart, prisoner in a physical vessel which is, for all intent and purposes, no longer “living”.

I myself have entered a new stage in my relationship with my father, just as lovers do when the dimension of physical intimacy is added to their relationship. It changes things forever in ways that cannot be described in words. If the relationship is a truly loving one, the new intimacy is profound and felt well beyond the physical level-as deep as can be-two souls meet and commune and become one. And in the same way that these lovers would want to share the essence of their new relationship without sharing the intimate physical details, so I myself have found it fitting NOT to share the technical details of the my father’s condition- not to go into the very intimate details of my father’s last days, but will just say that the essence of this added dimension to my relationship with him, the wonder and new depth in our relationship is a gift beyond words.

This is the blessing this detour has given me with my father.

To see his physical distress, pain and frustration, to feel his raw emotional distress and anguish, is probably the most difficult lesson I have had to endure so far in my life. To watch this gentle loving man go through this lingering, undignified end to a proud and honorable life is almost beyond endurance. My helplessness is unbearable at times-the frailty of the physical body vs. the tenacity and strength of the mind, and our thoughts and beliefs, incomprehensible. The will and determination of the human mind to survive in the physical is beyond rationale, especially when the body in its physical form has just about completely shut down.

I do my best to comfort him with Reiki when he is willing to accept these loving energies, as he is granted respite from his physical and emotional torment. There is a visible change in his entire façade, his breathing, his muscle tone and he seems to enter a state of complete relaxation and release. However, he very often refuses to receive Reiki. His fears overwhelm him…he is drowning in fear, the fear that if he relaxes his grip for a moment on his physical reality, “something” will happen. What that something is he is unaware of, but the fear prevents him from allowing himself the luxury of release.

Like many Western people, my father has never talked about, or even thought of, Death and certainly has never contemplated his own passing. He has no concept of “soul” and the only thing which is real for him is the physical realm. He has never questioned his own mortality or the essence of the soul vs. the physical body needed to keep that soul here on Earth. And as a result, he is paralyzed by fear, of the unknown, of his own helplessness in his situation, by the complete breakdown of everything physical, and yet the rational mind will not, or is incapable of, giving in or releasing its grip. The only thing we can do now is to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as necessary for him to finish his own processes. For those lucky enough to feel no fear of passing over, the final moment becomes a peaceful one-but for those who are completely unprepared, the need to cling to the familiar, to the physical, is overwhelming.

This is a lesson which challenges my beliefs to the core, and to my great joy, I find my beliefs unshakably strong . That knowledge is reassuring and I am most grateful to God and to the Universe for allowing me once again to be in a difficult and unsettling situation which COULD have shattered all I’ve held to be true. For allowing me to look in the mirror , see my professed beliefs held up for scrutiny, and still find them steadfast.

All DOES happen for our Higher Good, ALL things are a blessing, and the human mind, our intentions, our thoughts, CAN and DO make seemingly impossible things happen on a physical level.

Time Off for Family....And India Journals

September 8, 2006

The following post was originally posted on my Mindfulness Journal but since it gives some insight into my father's last few months, I have included it here as well.

Hi All, Sorry to have deserted you but wasn't sure anyone would notice. It's only since several of you have asked that I'm writing to let you know what's been going on for the past few weeks and why I haven't continued my postings on Reiki. Two of my daughters and their families have relocated, one from the city to the country, another coming back after 3 years of work abroad, and I spent several days with each of them helping them move in and organize their new homes. At the same time, my father is still going through a serious crisis after being, regretably, placed in a permanent nursing care unit. It will take him time to adjust but his complete dependence on others has taken a great toll and it is very difficult to see him, care for him etc. And of course, my Mother has been deeply effected by this as well. They have spent their entire life together as a couple, meeting each other something like 75 years ago and being married for 65 years. And the last 30+ years they have been retired and have spent every single day together just about all the time. The separation for them, beyond the difficult state my father is in, would be enough to create a serious emotional crisis leading to physical symptoms. It is like have part of your body ripped out. But they are both in the same assisted living building, my Mother in her own apartment still, and Father just downstairs, and they are both learning to come to terms with the situation. What the entire past year has created for all of us however, including myself, without our even being aware of it, is a chronic state of stress which has pretty much lasted for about 1 1/2 years actually, and only now have I understand the debilitating effect it has created in my life, on all levels, emotional, mental, physical and spiritual. It has been devastating and only this week did I realize to what extent it has effected me. I am now working things through and putting myself "back together" as well...including going to the gym, (in addition to my daily practices of yoga, pranayama, meditation and Reiki) and, finally, working on my India Journals blog. All of the above has taken up my energies, both physically and mentally, and have therefore not posted anything new here all this time. My apologies....but part of the living in the now is living in the now! And doing what is right at each moment...flowing...learning...understanding...creating new ways of dealing and always opening the new doors of opportunity which present themselves to us along the way...no matter how twisted and complicated it may seem sometimes. So, if you are interested in seeing what I've done so far on the India Journals (about 1/2 way finished but no photos yet)...and also a very interesting sum up post of Lesson's Learnt from my travels at the beginning of the blog...you can do so by following this link: Jane's India Journals Hope to get back to my regular blog entries shortly. My love to all Jane

90 YEARS YOUNG! And Still Going Strong!

May 12, 2006

You can click on any of the small pictures here and see them enlarged! Try it!
We made my father a small celebration last week while my brother Binyamin was here from the States. Just thought you might like to see this lovely man celebrating his 90th birthday. He was actually surprised by the party, made a very moving speech as well...he is indeed an amazing person and both an inspiration and a living lesson in how to really enjoy each day we are given and live in an attitude of gratitude, counting all our blessings, both big and small.We all love him dearly. There were 10 candles on the cake. One for each 10 years and 1 for the coming 10 years as well!









And just a couple of pics of this wonderful 90 year old having some computer fun....

DADDY'S SONGS

Daddy's Little Girl

You're the end of the rainbow, my pot of gold,
You're daddy's little girl to have and to hold.
A precious gem is what you are,
You're mom-my's bright and shi-ning star.
You're the spirit of Christmas, the star on my tree,
You're the Easter Bunny to mommy and me;
You're sugar, you're spice, you're ev'-ry-thing nice,
And you're daddy's little girl.


I've Been Working On The Railroad

I've been working on the railroad
All the livelong day
I've been working on the railroad
Just to pass the time away

Can't you hear the whistle blowing
Rise up so early in the morn
Can't you hear the captain shouting
Dinah, blow your horn

Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow your horn
Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow
Dinah, won't you blow your horn

Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah
Someone's in the kitchen I know
Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah
Strumming on the old banjo, and singing

Fie, fi, fiddly i o
Fie, fi, fiddly i o
Fie, fi, fiddly i o
Strumming on the old banjo


My Darlin’ Clementine

In a cavern, in a canyon,
Excavating for a mine,
Dwelt a miner, forty-niner,
And his daughter, Clementine.

Chorus:
Oh, my darlin', oh my darlin',
Oh, my darlin' Clementine.
You are lost and gone forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

Light she was and like a feather,
And her shoes were number nine.
Herring boxes without topses,
Sandals were for Clementine.

Chorus

Drove she ducklings to the water,
Ev'ry morning just at nine.
Hit her foot against a splinter,
Fell into the foaming brine.

Chorus

Ruby lips above the water,
Blowing bubbles soft and fine.
But, alas, I was no swimmer,
So I lost my Clementine.


The Erie Canal

I've got a mule, and her name is Sal.
Fifteen miles on the Erie Canal.
She's a good old worker and a good old pal,
Fifteen miles on the Erie Canal.
We've hauled some barges in our day,
Filled with lumber, coal and hay,
And we know ev'ry inch of the way
From Albany to Buffalo.

Refrain:
Low bridge! Ev'rybody down!
Low bridge, 'cause we're coming to a town;
And you'll always know your neighbor,
You'll always know your pal,
If you've ever navigated on the

You are my Sunshine

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skys are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Please don't take my sunshine away.

The Bear Went Over the Mountain

The bear went over the mountain,
the bear went over the mountain
the bear went over the mountain
The bear went over the mountain, to see what he could see.
And all that he could see, and all that he could see
Was the other side of the mountain, the other side of the mountain
The other side of the mountain, was all that he could see.
Put your own verses in here like we always used to do….
And what do you think he did?....
He climbed the other mountain, he climbed the other mountain, etc.
And what do you think he saw?
He saw another mountain….etc.



Dai-didi-dai, didi-dai-di-di-dai-didi
Dai di-di dai, di-di dai…..
Dai-didi-dai, didi-dai-di-di-dai-didi
Dai di-di dai, di-di dai…..
Dai dai dai dai dai dai
Dai dai dai dai dai dai Etc……

Old Zip Coon

There once was a man with a double chin
who performed with skill on a violin.
And he played in time and he played in tune
but he wouldn't play anything but Old Zip Coon.
Old Zip Coon he played all day,
Till he drove his friends away
He played all night by the light of the moon
but he wouldn't play anything but Old Zip Coon.

Always

I'll be lovin' you, always
With a love that's
true, always
When the things you've planned need a
helpin' hand
I will understand always, always

Days may not be fair, always
That's when I'll
be there, always
Not for just an hour, not for just a
day
Not for just a year but always

Days may not
be fair, always
That's when I'll be there,
always
Not for just an hour, not just a day
Not for
just one year but always