“Death is the Night Between Two Days”

…Rabbi Maurice Lamm

It has been a very long and very difficult 5 months since we celebrated my father’s 90th Birthday Party …you’ve read some of what has been going on in the previous post, and this post is just my personal way of saying “goodbye” and letting everyone know just a little more about this totally unique human being who is no longer with us physically but who will never leave us in spirit. He is resting in peace and will always be with us – My father- Davey (David) Scheiman, z”l (from the Hebrew “zichrono livracha” – “Of Blessed Memory”).

I don’t really know how to begin writing here, but I want to first say a few words about what defined him as a person, and then just share a few last memories of him from the past few months…

He was a man of very few words for sure, but there was never any doubt about how he felt in any situation. You just had to take one look at his face…and it was almost always, 99% of the time, smiling. (As in the picture above…taken 5 weeks before he passed and when he was already suffering terribly and spending all but ½ hour a day confined to bed, too weak to do anything and relying totally on others for all his needs). And the 1% of the time when something upset, angered, disturbed him, you just had to catch one glimpse of his face before running for cover!! There were also many glimpses of pain, despair, frustration, confusion and fear the last couple of months, but these were faces we had never seen before, which made them all the more disconcerting and frightening to us, as well as causing us deep sorrow and feelings of helplessness.

He was a man who despite very rarely saying anything about love, was the most loving person I have ever known. He loved life, he loved people (especially women), knowledge, (hence his great love for the computer and the world of unlimited information it offered him his last 6 years of life), loved fun, joking, fooling around games, challenges…and loved everything that came his way…good or bad…to the fullest. He never grew up…he was never childish (well sometimes) but always in touch with the child within…which made him especially great with kids who could never resist him. We owe him a special thank you for teaching us just how precious life is…And he was of course loved back by everyone who ever came in contact with him, even for a brief moment. No one would ever leave his presence without a smile on their face!

He loved each moment, clung to each moment, showing us all the importance of each moment…no matter how much pain and difficulty we may be going through, nothing is as precious as life. To be able to give just one more smile to a person and brighten his day-to say one more thing to bring a smile to another’s face…to give one more loving touch to someone. He lived each day with a passion-did each thing with passion and youthful enthusiasm-always seeking new challenges and new ideas. This kept him youthful in mind and spirit to the very last moment, despite the complete physical deterioration of his body.

And of course, the final essence of who he was, what defined him, was his being part of Judy/Davey…and teaching us all the meaning of true, undying love.

Just a few last memories:

• At his surprise 90th birthday party (see post “90 and still going strong”) he gave a moving speech, despite already being very frail and pain, about the blessing of each day he was given, and his love for my Mother….
• I had an old (65 years old to be precise) wedding film transferred to DVD and just before going into nursing care I showed it to him on his computer…the look of pure love, joy and sincere amazement at the wonder of the whole thing, as well as the tears in his eyes and his loving looks at my Mother sitting next to him, brought me to tears.
• The picture at the top of this post was taken on the last day he came down off the nursing floor…he asked for hot chocolate (as I said, the eternal little boy at heart) and so we went downstairs, got him a cup from the vending machine and went to sit outside for awhile. As we went through the lobby, he didn’t stop flirting with the women for a minute…and I don’t know who enjoyed it more…them or him (remember, they live in an assisted living place, 80 women, 5 men…and he was cute and loved to flirt until the end!)
• A few days later I challenged him to a game of checkers during his ½ hour sitting up time one day. As I have never once beaten him in all my 55 years of playing with him (he never let us win even as children), he easily agreed as he is not fond of loosing…to my GREAT surprise, and his great chagrin, I BEAT him! He suddenly began having trouble breathing, got chest pains, and had me scrambling for the nurse who gave him oxygen, something under his tongue, and got him back into bed. At which point he remarked “That was the only way of keeping you from beating me in a second game!!!”
• Just 10 days before he passed, and actually the last time he was out of bed, he had gotten up as there was a party to celebrate Succot (Jewish Holiday…ask for details if you would like them)…he was not in a very good mood, and for good reason due to exhaustion and pain, but when I asked if he wanted to go into the party he said very irreverently and in his usual joking style “Why would I want to go to the party…Will there be a strip tease?”….Said I didn’t know but would go ask…walked over to the lady in charge of the party and asked her and she of course laughed and said “I hadn’t considered it but will think about it”….and then came over to him….did a little private dance for him and he, in his wheelchair, barely able to move, danced with his shoulders and a twinkle in his eye, enjoying every moment…

And then our very last memories of him:

• A few days before he died I was giving him a back rub when he turned to me for a second and very uncharacteristically said “I love you”….
• And also a couple of days before his passing, when my mother came to sit with him, he looked at her and said “You look very nice today”….
• And then of course, at the moment he left us, we were both sitting with him, he was in a sort of coma, but when we arrived, I had my mother hold his hand and I stroked his head and cheeks, and he opened his eyes for a moment, moved his lips as if to say something, I assured him we were both there with him, he squeezed my mother’s hand, and that was it.
  We were blessed to be with him at that moment, and he knew he was not alone when he left…or perhaps he had just waited for us to arrive to say his final goodbye.
  

He IS resting in peace…

Life's Detours, Their Blessings and Lessons

October 14, 2006 (2 days before my Father's Passing)

This Post also originally appeared on my Mindfulness Journal but I am including it here, with some editing, as it is part of the story...and certainly proves how important it is to follow our heart when making decisions...if we are connected with, and attuned to our soul, we can never go wrong!

My life has taken a detour, again (what we perceive as a detour in our journey, is only OUR understanding of the turn of events. Truth is, things are unfolding exactly as they should and all things occur as they are meant to at the moment in the Universal plan of things)…and has, at the same time, given me the opportunity for further growth through new lessons learnt. When one is forced to take a detour on a planned journey, it does not mean that he cannot enjoy the scenery on the new route. Perhaps pleasant scenery is not part of this detour for me, but certainly blessings to be found and lessons to be learnt are.

I am, at the moment, NOT in India as planned. As things worked out, two days before my scheduled flight, I cancelled my plans.

I had every intention of going to India to revive my spirit, recharge my batteries so to speak and gather new and fresh energies to help me continue caring for my ailing father, and give support to my Mother at this most difficult of times in her life.

However, the situation being what it is, I simply could not have achieved any of these goals in India due to the deterioration in my father’s health and the need to be here at this time. I would have been unable to release to the magical powers of the Mountains and it would have been a simple waste of time and money.

It is my privilege to be here now and help in any way I can to make my father’s passing as easy as possible and provide support to my Mother at the same time. I will not go into detail (for reasons I will write about shortly), beyond saying that my father has not been granted an easy and dignified end to his life. It is truly amazing to witness the power of fear, concern, worry and guilt, and how they can keep a soul, already cleansed and ready to depart, prisoner in a physical vessel which is, for all intent and purposes, no longer “living”.

I myself have entered a new stage in my relationship with my father, just as lovers do when the dimension of physical intimacy is added to their relationship. It changes things forever in ways that cannot be described in words. If the relationship is a truly loving one, the new intimacy is profound and felt well beyond the physical level-as deep as can be-two souls meet and commune and become one. And in the same way that these lovers would want to share the essence of their new relationship without sharing the intimate physical details, so I myself have found it fitting NOT to share the technical details of the my father’s condition- not to go into the very intimate details of my father’s last days, but will just say that the essence of this added dimension to my relationship with him, the wonder and new depth in our relationship is a gift beyond words.

This is the blessing this detour has given me with my father.

To see his physical distress, pain and frustration, to feel his raw emotional distress and anguish, is probably the most difficult lesson I have had to endure so far in my life. To watch this gentle loving man go through this lingering, undignified end to a proud and honorable life is almost beyond endurance. My helplessness is unbearable at times-the frailty of the physical body vs. the tenacity and strength of the mind, and our thoughts and beliefs, incomprehensible. The will and determination of the human mind to survive in the physical is beyond rationale, especially when the body in its physical form has just about completely shut down.

I do my best to comfort him with Reiki when he is willing to accept these loving energies, as he is granted respite from his physical and emotional torment. There is a visible change in his entire façade, his breathing, his muscle tone and he seems to enter a state of complete relaxation and release. However, he very often refuses to receive Reiki. His fears overwhelm him…he is drowning in fear, the fear that if he relaxes his grip for a moment on his physical reality, “something” will happen. What that something is he is unaware of, but the fear prevents him from allowing himself the luxury of release.

Like many Western people, my father has never talked about, or even thought of, Death and certainly has never contemplated his own passing. He has no concept of “soul” and the only thing which is real for him is the physical realm. He has never questioned his own mortality or the essence of the soul vs. the physical body needed to keep that soul here on Earth. And as a result, he is paralyzed by fear, of the unknown, of his own helplessness in his situation, by the complete breakdown of everything physical, and yet the rational mind will not, or is incapable of, giving in or releasing its grip. The only thing we can do now is to keep him as comfortable as possible for as long as necessary for him to finish his own processes. For those lucky enough to feel no fear of passing over, the final moment becomes a peaceful one-but for those who are completely unprepared, the need to cling to the familiar, to the physical, is overwhelming.

This is a lesson which challenges my beliefs to the core, and to my great joy, I find my beliefs unshakably strong . That knowledge is reassuring and I am most grateful to God and to the Universe for allowing me once again to be in a difficult and unsettling situation which COULD have shattered all I’ve held to be true. For allowing me to look in the mirror , see my professed beliefs held up for scrutiny, and still find them steadfast.

All DOES happen for our Higher Good, ALL things are a blessing, and the human mind, our intentions, our thoughts, CAN and DO make seemingly impossible things happen on a physical level.